The Old Mill

"The Old Mill"

(with apologies to 10 Nights in a Barroom)

Susquehanna valley dialect being studied


Speech is telling and Jennifer Bloomquist can tell if people if they are from southcentral Pennsylvania by the words, phrases and idioms they use. She is collecting this linguistic harvest from the area under the auspices of a National Science Foundation , (NSF).
Bloomquist, an assistant professor of linguistics and African-American studies, and her student assistants at Gettysburg College are beginning their final year of the two-year $40,000 NSF grant to investigate if the language of rural and urban African-Americans in Adams, York. Lancaster and Dauphin counties, (primarily), have added to and/or have been influenced by the dialect peculiar to this area, she said. That includes Pennsylvania Dutch's influence on blacks and vice versa.
They are gathering these verbal peccadilloes during structured interviews with residents of the area. The team is now focusing its investigations in York and its surrounding environs collecting the data from volunteer residents, 18-years-old and up, she said.*
Many of these interviews are being conducted with the oldest residents of the area, who not only volunteer to participate in the structured interview process, but who also share their personal stories about growing up in this area. The information, in addition to being published in academic journals, will be posted on a website designed as a database for Susquehannavalleyisms and as a virtual data collector and repository for online virtual interviews, she said.
During a recent interview at Hanover Hall Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, Alicia Turner of several Gettysburg College undergraduates assisting Bloomquist with the research, 10 resident were interviewed. Two of those sessions were with Bernadine Rickrode, 103, formerly of Littlestown, and Margaret Bair, 87, formerly of Edgegrove.
Both women, whose ancestry was German American, were asked if they used or heard any of the words or phrases, such as, creek or “crik.” Both Rickrode and Bair said they were had used many of the Pennsylvania words and phrases. They both said they had eaten hog mawl or pig stomach, as it is commonly referred to in the area.
“The reason we are doing this is that in the past when linguists studied the lower Susquehanna Valley they concentrated on white rural speakers,” Bloomquist said. “There are no data from black speakers in the area at all and very little data from city speakers. When I first looked into local dialect, I thought I would find some differences among black speakers. I am not totally convinced that Pennsylvania Dutch which characterized this area is as alive and well as people are led to believe.”
Bloomquist’s assistants have collected more than 175 hours of tape from 140 interviews, 20 of which were African Americans. While they will continue to interview residents regardless of ethnic background, they are attempting to focus on African American speakers as they can find, she said.
She has presented preliminary findings at the American Dialect Society meeting in January ‘04 and at the Southeastern Conference on Linguistics this past April. She is to go back to the American Dialect Society in January ‘06.
“The first part of the interview is collecting natural speech and we have them to talk about what it was like to grow up in the lower Susquehanna Valley, what the economy is like, what kind of changes have taken place and we ask them to look at some words that are specific to this area and ask if they know any of them,” she said. “The next part is a having them read a sort of non-sense story which is designed to get phonological features. The last thing they do is read a list of words that are minimal pairs that differ only by a sound unit.”
Some of the words, people are asked to read are “bad and bat, tight and tide, out and ought,” etc. The way people pronounce these words allows Bloomquist to get enough sample data to determine how dialect affects local language. Many of the same words are used in the nonsense story.
Turner of Norristown, a sociology major, and Eric Malave of North Philadelphia, anthropology major, which are field research assistants, working on the study has helped them to develop a greater appreciation of the people in the area. The people they have interviewed, especially older residents, enjoy the interaction.
“A lot of the older residents are very excited to see us,” Malave said. “They enjoy telling us stories about their youth.”
Turner said some of them have lived through many historical events that have changed the area. They have many interesting reflections to share she said.
“A lot of the older residents told us about living through the depression and World War II,” she said.
Anyone interested in volunteering to participate in the study should contact Bloomquist at 337-6801.

Tales from the beat II

Ghosts of the Susquehanna

Apparitions appearing and vanishing in a dew-heavy, fog, white-robed, hooded and masked members of the True Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, brandishing red axe handles emblazoned by the KKK symbol, went about their mysterious pre-rally chores.

Some carried coffee mugs sporting the crimson logo, resembling spectral businessmen on a break from their dull daily routines. The mugs, axe handles and assorted accoutrements were available from a kiosk vendor, also dressed in full regalia. Lighters and other memorabilia, along with KKK publications, were being purchased by the scores.

Crickets quickened their songs, as shadows gathered in deep pools under the nearby copse of trees. A man dressed in a royal purple robe, classic conical hat, mask undone revealing his face, (the Grand Dragon), brought the meeting to order and introduced the Chaplian to give the benediction. The next man to take the podium, dressed in blood-red, was a well-known orator and political activist from a southern Klavern of the order. For the first hour of the meeting, the visiting Dragon lambasted the Jewish-controlled press. As he continued his tirade about journalists, I stood in front of the stage, camera at my side, taking notes -- occasionally waving to other Klan members (I was the only reporter there -- so I got all the attention -- my assignment only to be there is case violence broke out). During a break in the festivites, when the carnival-like spirit returned to the event, the living, moving fog darkened, enveloping all who entered the melody of the wheeping, sloughing trees mixed with the raucous sounds of the splashing, rushing river. Laughter, vendors hawking their wares and conversation created discordance, an unnatural anthem that activated the frissom mechanism of my back. With no where else to go, I waited patiently for the cross-burning. While being inundated by image, sound, smell and the cooling wet embrace of the thickening miasma, an attractive, young lady sidled up beside me and began a conversation. It was apparent that she was flirting -- then it hit me. "I'm a real idiot." Somewhere in the morass of flowing robes and swinging axe handles was her significant other -- boyfriend, fiance, husband. The question quickly became: (a.) Should I be rude and walk away? (b.) Be cool and continue innocent conversation? (c.) Fein a sudden illness or need to hit the "Porta-PottyTM?" While pondering the likelihood of my survival into the not so far future, my cheek was kissed by warmth and light was born out of the fog.As in Genesis, I felt the hand of creation providing Offering my apologies for having to continue with my job, I sauntered off to take pictures -- find my way up the steep, slippery, uneven path in an ink-black night, praying that I soon find the hard road and my car. At subsequent rallies of this type, I tried to limit my conversations to males and to topics, such as snakehunting -- and other good ole' country boy pastimes.

Untold tales from the beat

Slapped by Jack Lalanne

When I interviewed 1960s fitness guru, Jack Lalanne, in the early 80's, he slapped my face, in response to my first question.
Jack Lalanne, among other things, is known for his incredible feats of strength, many he performs on each birthday -- ("1984 (at) Age 70: Handcuffed, shackled and fighting strong winds and currents, towed 70 boats with 70 people from the Queen's Way Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary for 1 ½ miles"). To learn more aboaut the exploits of Lalanne, go to http://jacklalanne.com
During a press conference where he was publicizing a fitness drink, Lalanne had just finished a prepared statement and asked for questions.

The question
"Mr. Lalanne, as the guru and pioneer of television fitness programs, how well is Richard Simmons filling your shoes?"

SLAP -- as other reporters back away in an ever- widening circle. It was a love tap. Otherwise, I would have went flying backwards, landing on my keester.

"I like your humor," he said, smiling, "Simmons, www.richardsimmons.com is not really serious about fitness, he's a television celebrity."
He must have liked my question, because he invited me to walk with him -- leaving the other reporters behind, mouths open, wondering what had just happened.

Richard Simmons & friend

\|/ 0 0 7 ’5 4 1 1 teh |= |_| 5 5 4 8 0 |_| 7

\/ 0 0 7 ’5 4 1 1 teh = _ 5 5 4 8 0 _ 7
\/ - 4 \ 7 - 4 7 4 > .- ! 1 1 3 ! \ - ! 5 5 - 0 _ .- 3 5 5 0 7 3
7 3 - ) .- 0 6 - 7 3 0 = \/ 4 .- ( - 3 - 4 7 - > 3 .- ( 3 ) 7 0 7 3 - .- 0 7 3 ,
4 \ ) 8 4 7 3 - ) 3 \/ 3 .- 9 \/ 3 9 \ 3 ! \ 5 \/ ! ( - 1 ! ( 0 _ .-
0 = \/ - ! ( - \/ 3 .- 7 _ 3 \ 6 3 ) .- 3 ) \/ 4 5 7 3 - = 1 3 _ .- ; (> .- 0 1 0 6 _ 3 7 0 teh ( 4 \ 7 3 .- 8 _ .- 9 7 4 1 3 5 , 6 3 0 = = .- 3 9 ( - 4 _ ( 3 .- )

whan that aprille in his shojres sote
the droghte of marche hath perced to the rote,
and bathed every veyne in swich licojr
of which vertj engedred was the flejr; (prologje to the canterbjry tales, geoffrey chajcer)

Whan that Aprille in his shoures sote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the rote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engedred was the fleur; (Prologe to The Canterbury Tales, Geoffrey Chaucer)

When April with his sweet showers has
pierced the drought of March to the root,
and bathed every vein is such moisture
as has power to bring forth the flower; (Prologue to The Canterbury Tales, Geoffrey Chaucer)

So as the title asks “So what is all the woot about?”

Wait, what’s w00t, you ask me -- it’s an interjection like YAYE of course. Don’t tell me, let me guess, you still don’t get it. You’re such a n00b -- OK, then in plain Old English -- (that would be something like neuen) can’t do that either, Middle English then -- neow-oumen. Has to be current English then? OK a newbie -- a noun, new to the game or new to whatever.

High school English

Remember when you were in high school? Seems like a distant shore on the other side of the galaxy to me at times, but I do remember a bit. For some of us that might seem like before the Battle of Hasting in 1066AD, which ushered in the age of Middle English, supplanting Old English -- but to them I guess it was Anglisch or **** you get the idea. Anywho, remember your English teacher constantly lecturing you about the proper use of English and to stick to the grammar. She or he would complain to anyone who would listen that adolescents use of slang was killing the English language.
Not introducing new words via vernacular or slang would be the death knell to the language -- take a look at Classical Latin if you don’t believe me. Then again, an argument has been made that Latin lives on in the Romance language and accounts for about 80-percent of modern English -- so maybe it is better to say it evolved, rather than became a dead language.

History of the English language

English is more of a pickpocket of languages rather than a somewhat pure Romance language or German for that matter. It helps to understand who the English were. I'll give you the short version, but here is one item for more indepth purusal
http://www.brittany-bretagne.com/pg/arthur2.htm

• Are the English people the original settlers of the country we call England.
• Noooo. The group of islands are called -- Great Britian.
• The English are not the English, they are the Anglish. If you are familiar with King Arthur of legend, you know there was a war that destroyed the Round Table and sent the remnants of his kingdom fleeing Britian (Breton). They were fleeing the Anglish, part of the Anglo-Saxon mercenaries hired by competing Bretons (a Celtic tribe) to help ward off attacks by the Irish raiders. The Anglish were Germans. The Breton refugees crossed the English Channel and settled off the coast of France - Brittany -- so they now are French.
• Are the Irish -- well Irish?
• Noooooo. They are Gaels, or more precisely Iberians, who fled the onslaught of the Romans, leaving the coast of Spain and sailed to Erin -- the Emerald Isle. Who lived there before the Iberians -- the Tuath de Danu -- Gaelic for Greeks.
• OK -- now who were the Scots or Hiberians -- where they Scottish?
• Nooooo. They were Irish. A clan of Gaels, raided the northern tip of Great Britian and conquered the Picts. The spoke Pictish -- who were they? Look at another link I will provide a little later on.
• So what did the people before Arthur speak?
• A form of Celtic -- somewhat like the Welsch dialect of today.
• After Arthur -- Old English, a dialect of Anglish with some Old Norse thrown in. (should mention the Romans arrived before Arthur's birth. The real Arthur is believed to be the son of a Roman provinical governor and a Breton mother.

Etymological linguists believe English is derived from a parent langauge that includes pretty much every language that developed in Europe and into India. It is known as Indoeuropean. What survives of it in modern usage are phonemes, small sounds that have meaning -- a, the, etc. How do they know?

Remember Darth Vader -- Lucas was playing with us from the start. In that name the whole plot of the movie is revealed. How?

What is Darth? Made-up without meaning? Try putting the words dark and death together -- Darth. OK, OK, so we know he is dark(side) of the force and brings death. How about Vader?

Hmmmm. Give up?

How's your Hindi -- Vader? How about Latin -- Pater? How about German -- Vater? How about Spanish -- Padre? Enough already -- it's father. Mother, Mater, Madre, etc. Sister is interesting in that it is Old Norse. Schwester is the German. Sororis in Latin. Hebrew and Arabic dialects are also included in the family. Further east, Chinese is the basis for Japanese, etc. But you get the drift, these are the clues. For more info -- http://www.wordorigins.org/histeng.htm

If you want to hear some Old English go to http://www.kami.demon.co.uk/gesithas/readings/readings.html

Or if you want to see what a modern English word looks like in Old English go to Just for kicks -- see if you can get someone to translate this: http://wandership.ca/projects/eow/

Necesse erat pensum domesticum meum, quod incidit in rabiem pensi deleri. (This happened to the original version of this post I had completed yesterday). Capiamus Cerevisiam!

L337 escapes the lab

Isn't L337 confined securely to the chatroom? Say w00t to your kids and watch their reactions. Watch any NCIS lately? Next time county how many times someone calls a team member a n00b. Or listen to the parlance between the n00b and the Goth forensic lab princess -- she is kinda cute -- wait, I'm sure there is a L337r way to say it. Be back in a minute........ ahhh --
( _ 7 3.... :) me happy.

Only time will tell what, if any, lasting impact L337 and its progeny might have on English. In 500 years, I doubt anyone would understand any of what I am writing now, unless the specialized in (what would they call it -- pre-cosmic string lingo). Language changes, get used to it. No one dialect is any better than another when used between consenting decoders.

Here are a few more helpful links including your own little translator of L337.

http://www.softempire.com/leet-speak.html

http://www.urbandictionary.com

http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/children/kidtalk.mspx

Diabolus me goegit peccare!

Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.

Public v. media interests

the press and the public interest: a definitional dilemma
Everette E. Dennis

A response: Representative or democratic modes – who wins and who loses?
Jeffrey B. Roth

The public buys its opinions as it buys its meat, or takes in its milk, on the principle that it is cheaper to do this than keep a cow. So it is, but the milk is more likely to be watered.
Samuel Butler, Notebooks, 1912

Formerly a public man needed a private secretary for a barrier between himself and the public. Nowadays he has a press secretary, to keep him properly in the public eye.
Daniel J. Boorstin, The Image, 1962

Majority versus minority versus individual interests

Majority versus minority versus individual interests is a quick summary of the themes contained in the abstract written by Everette E. Dennis, et. al, first published in Enduring Issues in Mass Communication, St. Paul, MN: West Publishing Company (1978).
To respond to the inherent philosophies forwarded by Dennis, a schema is required to outline the historical and evolutionary basis for the socio-political operational definition of the term “public interest.” Dennis notes that Plato and Aristotle provided the foundation for centuries of scholarly debate on what in fact constitutes either the public or their interest. While Dennis did not elaborate on those theories, by induction, it is obvious that the definitions were based on their society’s mores’. The Golden Age of Pericles – the womb of Democratic theory, restricted its political largesse to free, property holding adult males. Only they had a voice. They were, in fact, a minority of the total population, but they held political power through a form of Democratic oligarchy.
Under the Roman Republic, ending with the death of Gaius Julius Caesar at the hands of Senate, representative Democracy quickly withered, died and was replaced by tyranny (tyrannous rex in human form).
The Republic represented more strata of Roman society – not only property owners, but any free Roman citizens – either native born or naturalized through service in the Legions had a voice in the operation of the government. Even women had rights. While wives did not vote, they could own property and divorce their husbands.

More recent history

Without dipping into the history of the Magna Charta and the steady, yet erratic evolution of democracy in the western world, by the time of Rousseau, common interest theory – the common good and the general will or as Dennis termed it in modern parlance, “shared interest and mutual trust … unitary formulation is based on universal moral precepts.” In this way … “individual interests cannot justifiably conflict with the public interest or with each other. Only a universal moral order can confer validity, or justifiability…. ”
Two later philosophers, Hobbes and Hume were exponents of preponderance theory – “preponderance of force.” For Hume that force was one of opinion. Dennis also notes that Bentham advanced the idea of “superior sum of individual interests.” That approach, Dennis said, described the relationship between the Federal Communications Commission and the television networks – the “lowest common denominator idea.”

Competing interests – Hocking, Held and the U.S. Supreme Court

At this point, the nexus between the public interest and media interest can be illustrated by that of William Ernest Hocking, who said freedom of the press “has always been a matter of public as well as individual importance. Inseparable from the right of the press to be free has been the right of the people to have a free press.”
In a similar strand, Dennis noted that Professor Francis E. Rourke said that “motivation for legislative attacks on executive secrecy” has resulted from efforts by the press and the members of the scientific community. This trend represents “the wide variety of interests [but] each … can also point to a clear public interest in the success of its special efforts.”
Clearly, theoretically speaking, there has been a clear historical convergence of the rights and interests of the public with the rights and interests of the media. The U.S. Supreme Court, in an opinion issued by Mr. Justice Brennan – New York Times Co. v. Sullivan, according to Dennis said there needs to be a “profound national commitment to the principle of debate on public issues which he said should be ‘uninhibited, robust and wide open.”
Others have disagreed, Dennis notes, among them Jerome A. Barron, who commented that holding “newspaper publishers’ interests and the public interest … identical … was romantic and lopsidedly pro publisher.”
Another voice, which of Virginia Held, a political scientist, said the issue would be better defined in terms of preferences of the majority and the interests of the minority. The result is a conceptual definition that suggests majority role might be in conflict with public interest, because it can be in conflict with the essential need to preserve minority rights and other less popular, but no less valid interests.

The courts

Dennis noted the courts have generally held in press freedom cases: the free flow of information, information about public affairs, the publication of newsworthy information, communications diversity, government regulation of certain communications activities affected by the public interest or matters in the public interest are usually immune from libel and privacy recovery.
Professor Hans Morgenthau noted that by being free the press is automatically involved in the public interest because the press “belongs to all of the people.” The abolition of competition between media outlets goes against that idea. There are many times that the interest of the public and hence the press is at odds with individual or government interests.

Patriot Act and the death of open government

Dennis wrote this article prior to the implementation of the Patriot Act and the governmental response to terrorism. In the name of national security, the executive branch, primarily, but certainly enabled by the legislative and judiciary as well as has increased the government’s ability to intrude on the privacy of its citizens without worry of violating fair trial, legal search and seizure and other equal protection rights offered in the U.S. Constitution.
At that time strides were being made in eroding government’s blanket of covert operations and secrecy through FOIA and other Sunshine and Open Records laws. With 9/11 and the Patriot Act government is trying to curtail that access. An affect of this change of political whimsy is the increasing arrogance of elected officials who openly flaunt their disdain of information access laws. It is happening at all levels of government.
In the past three weeks, I have had to butt heads with two school boards and one municipality over flagrant open records violations. In on case, the solicitor of a school board attempted to tell me that my assertion about an access issue regarding the use of recording devices at public meetings was flawed.
With tape recorder in hand, I insisted that he open his little law book and check, just in case the dumb reporter was right. Guess what? Not so dumb afterall.
Rather arrogantly -- because he didn't like being proven wrong in a public forum, especially, in his supposed area of expertise -- he managed a chuckle and said "keep us on our toes."

I also informed him that rather than file some toothless civil action in trying to fight violations of the Sunshine Law, my preference was to utilize the barely used provision that allows summary charges be filed against officials who intentionally violate the law.
On top of that, I informed him that a summary conviction would erase any immunity from civil or criminal litigation resulting from a decision made while in violation of the Sunshine Law. It would in essence destroy their shield.
Needless to say, I am not often popular with some public officials. A number of years ago, a state official lied to me, with no reason, about his military record. I found out about the deception. When I confronted him about it, he changed his story, but still lied. I ultimately exposed him and he was ridiculed by fellow members of the state legislature who were actually Vietnam War Veterans. They protested by carrying signs in front of his senatorial office.
Again, he accused me of lying, even though I recorded everything. I was interviewed by the Associated Press and various local, regional and national media organizations about his accusations. I had the evidence provided by the U.S. Department of Defense. He was lucky I did not release his entire military record, because there was some much more damaging information than that about where he was stationed while in the Army.

Why do I bother?

I believe that whenever a public official attempts to hide information that by law is open to the public, then it is my duty as a journalist, on behalf of the public interest, to challenge each incident.
It does not earn me extra money to go through the hassle. Often, it makes me persona non gratis. I do my job to satisfy my values and ethics. Not for the recognition, awards or money apparently – I do it because it needs to be done. I do not go after officials for the fun of it. It is much easier to be lazy and acquiescent.
Sorry – that is just me.

Night on the Mountain

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken," 1916

As I reached the foot of Bear Mountain -- only two miles up to go before home -- I could not resist stopping and trying to catch a photo of the moon (yes I have a thing for the night sky). With little light -- it is somewhat difficult to get anything worthwhile. But this gives you a taste of the scene.
Read my poem:
www.astropoetica.com/Summer04/emc2.html

Snow on the mountain

Blogs and Journalism under Snow Moon

“History is a distillation of rumor.” Thomas Carlyle, The French Revolution

In The Weblog: An Extremely Democratic Form in Journalism,
Jay Rosen said weblogs are a form of online journalism – that shares a common purpose: “to prevent events from disappearing without reflection, narration, and the means to look back.”
“A weblog can “work journalistically – it can be sustainable, enjoyable, meaningful, valuable, worth doing, and worth it to other people….,” he stated he does not see weblogs as a “real threat to the established media.” He does believe that the genre is just as effective in its ability to influence its readers as traditional “opinion journalism.”

Not a threat to traditional media
The reason it is not a viable competitor for consumers of traditional mass media lies in its inability to reach the same audience numbers. In addition, there are more competing weblogs than traditional media outlets.
Granted, a weblog writer can adopt the same professional standards and ethics as those accepted by traditional journalists. The key word is “can” rather than “must.” It is an option for a weblog writer, which clouds the definition of journalism. As Thomas Carlyle noted, history or as Rosen claims attempt “to prevent” events from disappearing from the archival artifact function of journalism. Media consumers generally take it for granted that professional journalists attempt to be objective and accurate in recording the elements of various news events. Even columnists react to specific factual events in their attempt to use their work to influence readers. It has also been said that history is written by the victors of the latest conquest, socio-cultural-economic-political, etc. Both of these observations, when added to human nature, emphasize the impossibility of representing an event with 100-percent accuracy. First, the actual physiological and intellectual processes involved in generating a journalistic product must be considered. To do that, basic interpersonal communication theory provides a sound, structural touchstone to begin to realistically understand the perceptual

Let's play truth or lie. The following 20 statements about me are true, with one exception. See if you can spot the lie. After you are satisfied with your choices, click tha "Answers" link at the bottom of the page. (This is a great ice-breaker at parties or first day of classes). 1. 1960s fitness guru, Jack Lalanne, slapped my face in response to a question I posed. 2. I have attended numerous meetings of the True Knights of Klu Klux Klan and some skin head meetings. 3. I have attended numerous rallies celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. and a few Black Panther rallies. 4. The hereditary Prince of the Island of Bali is a friend of mine; another friend is the god father of my children and is a famous economist whose has been honored by his home country of Malawi. 5. I had a friend (now dead) who was friends with Albert Schweitzer and Albert Einstein. 6. I graduated from Yale University, School of Medicine, Department of Psychiatry, Drug Dependence Institute; and was one of the first men to graduate from a private all-female college and the first to win an academic honor there. 8. I graduated high school with honors and was considered to be an outstanding student and was well-liked by the student body.. 9. I spent a day riding around in a limousine with Hugh O'Brien, who was best known in the 1950s as Wyatt Earp; and have spent time with Charlton Heston, Pat Berenger, Meredith Baxter Birney, Carl Sagan, the Rev. Dr. Ralph Abernathy; Fred Grandy (Gopher on Love Boat); to name a few famous people. 10. I have been on high speed chases, numerous drug busts, at many fires and disasters, in various prisons, and I have known and spent a great deal of time with murderers, rapists, child molestors, kidnappers, thieves, etc., and have had my life threatened numerous times. 11. I was invited to get on country-western singer, Johnny Paycheck's bus (Take This Job and Shove It), but another guy got on first and he was seriously beaten -- I also spent time with jazz player, Dizzy Gillespie -- President Gerald Ford, Vice President Al Gore, four governors, and other highly-placed political figures. 12. I have helped change several state laws, several federal regulations, shut-down a major state psychiatric facility where patients were dying mysteriously, have been a guest at many professional seminars and spoke at many schools. 13. I sat in on plans to rob a US Army armory and asked my opinion about the plans success, have been friends with professional call girls -- have met numerous drug dealers and tracked down a child porographer. 14. I was reponsbile for the FBI's capture of a serial bank robber who used bombs as his weapon of choice and I've been on America's Most Wanted and talked to John Walsh. 15. 16. I have been in several TV ads, featured in the beginning of a film, featured on a PBS program, and interviewed by the National Enquirier, interviewed by the Associated Press, on radio and numerous times by TV journalists. 17. I have attended a witches' convention, have known a number of psychics, and have been on several ghost hunts and also investigated a Weekly World News (Batboy's home) story about two kids who were sent through time from the Battle of Gettysburg to the present time, and I tracked down one of their relatives. 18. I have worked with the US Army -- the Governor of the State of Maine, and have known numerous celebrities, international poitical figures and noted scientists, have worked with police, district attorneys, actors, writers, artists, etc. 19. I have taken hundreds of photos of many dead bodies -- in various states of mutilation, etc., and have did forensic photography of various crime scenes for CSI units. 20. I have talked people with guns and weapons into letting their hostages go and then surrendering to police and have told people their loved one had just died -- slapped their daughter because she was raped and interviewed a man suffering from a voodoo curse.

Answers: 1. True. While surrounded by print and broadcast journalists, Jack Lalanne, who was known for his incredible feats of strenght on each birthday -- ("1984 Age 70: Handcuffed, shackled and fighting strong winds and currents, towed 70 boats with 70 people from the Queen's Way Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary for 1 ½ miles") had just finished a prepared statement and asked for questions. My question: "Mr. Lalanne, as the pioneer of television fitness programs, do you feel that Richard Simmons is filling your shoes?" SLAP -- as other reporters back away in an ever- widening circle. It was a love tap. Otherwise, I would have went flying backwards, landing on my keester. He smiled and said that "I like your humor," he said, adding, "Simmons is not really serious about fitness, he's a television celebrity." He must have liked my question, because he invited me to walk with him and ask him more questions -- leaving other reporters behind, mouthes open, wondering what had just happened. 2. True. Apparitions appearing and vanishing in a dew-heavy, fog, white-robed, hooded and masked membersof the True Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, brandishing red axe handles emblazoned by the KKK symbol, went about their mysterious pre-rally chores. Some carried coffee mugs carrying the same logo, which they had purchased from the vendor selling the axe handles and other organizational memorabilia.. Crickets quickened their songs, as shadows gathered in deep pools under the nearby copse of trees. A man dressed in a royal purple robe, classic conical hat, mask undone revealing his face, (the Grand Dragon), brought the meeting to order and introduced the Chaplian to give the benediction. The next man to take the podium, dressed in blood-red, was a well-known orator and political activist from a southern Klavern of the order. For the first hour of the meeting, the visiting Dragon lambasted the Jewish-controlled press. As he continued his tirade about journalists, I stood in front of the stage, camera at my side, taking notes -- occasionally waving to other Klan members (I was the only reporter there -- so I got all the attention -- my assignment only to be there is case violence broke out). During a break in the festivites, when the carnival-like spirit returned to the event, the living, moving fog darkened, enveloping all who entered the melody of the wheeping, sloughing trees mixed with the raucous sounds of the splashing, rushing river. Laughter, vendors hawking their wares and conversation created discordance, an unnatural anthem that activated the frissom mechanism of my back. With no where else to go, I waited patiently for the cross-burning. While being inundated by image, sound, smell and the cooling wet embrace of the thickening miasma, an attractive, young lady sidled up beside me and began a conversation. It was apparent that she was flirting -- then it hit me. "I'm a real idiot." Somewhere in the morass of flowing robes and swinging axe handles was her significant other -- boyfriend, fiance, husband. The question quickly became: (a.) Should I be rude and walk away? (b.) Be cool and continue innocent conversation? (c.) Fein a sudden illness or need to hit the "Porta-PottyTM?" While pondering the likelihood of my survival into the not so far future, my cheek was kissed by warmth and light was born out of the fog.As in Genesis, I felt the hand of creation providing Offering my apologies for having to continue with my job, I sauntered off to take pictures -- find my way up the steep, slippery, uneven path in an ink-black night, praying that I soon find the hard road and my car. At subsequent rallies of this type, I tried to limit my conversations to males and to topics, such as snakehunting -- and other good ole' country boy pastimes.